Had I known
by JeanGreyakaPhoenix
Summary: Had I known what your fate would be, had I known that our love meant your grave, had I known what our love would do, would I have walked away? Lucian thinks about Sonja, and wonders if there had been some way to prevent it all. Oneshot.


**This is my first Underworld fic, although I have written many stories for other categories. It is about the love of Sonja and Lucian and how beautiful yet painful it was. It is written in Lucian's thoughts. **

_Had I known_

You were so sacred, forbidden… so beautiful. It was a sin to just think about you the way I did, it was a sin to look at you the way I did, and I couldn't decide what made me love you more, watching through your balcony as you undressed and readied for sleep with a grace not even the moon held, or knowing you knew I was watching, yet left the curtains wide open anyways.

Had I known what your fate would be, had I known it was because of our union that you would die, had I known I would be the end of you, would I have walked away? Yes, I am most certain I would have. If it meant you going on with your life and marrying off to a worthy vampire most likely of your father's choice and birthing and raising children happily, I would have let you be and settle for stealing glances your way every now and then. The world has changed, I have changed, but my heart has not. I almost don't allow myself to think about you, because of how mush it hurts; because of the knot that forms in my throat and the way my heart sinks to my stomach. Yet I cannot help it, I think about you every day, and I miss you every day.

Had we known what the end would be, had we known that being together meant you losing your life, had we known what our love would do, would we have walked away? Perhaps, I do not know if we could have. Would we have turned our back or say that fate could be changed, but knowing it was said only to calm our nerves, because we both knew the end was unbeatable. But although we knew it could not end well, we thought it would end us both, not leave one of us hanging… not leave a precious being unborn.

Still, it gives me great comfort to know that you are with our child right now, in a pleasant place I hope. But I wish more than anything in the world to be there with the both of you. I wonder what it was, a daughter or a son? Had it been a daughter, I think Jezebel sounds like a name beautiful and mesmerizing enough for the girl that would have most likely inherited your breathtaking features. Had it been a son, Salem would have been wonderful. It means Peace; it means all we ever wanted.

I remember once you talked about a young vampiress that had joined the house. You told me how much you liked her name, Luna. If our child was a girl, I believe you would most likely have named her that, since you did nothing but praise the name for days.

I wonder how long had you known you were with child? Were you planning on telling me when we met at the clearing, or had you just found out? Still, a mare second of knowledge of the being inside of you was enough for you to love it unconditionally already. You would have been a wonderful mother, sweet and kind and caring…

Had you known what the outcome would be, had you known that our love meant your grave, had you known I was to be your doom, would you have walked away? No, I doubt you would have. You would have hanged on to whatever you could get and lived every day as if it was your last. I would say healing over a broken heart was much easier and less painful than the painful and deadly burns the sun I now curse brought you, but you would say that the painful burns the sun brought you were much less painful than a broken heart. You would say that death was a worthy risk for having such passion and love in return.

I could never contradict you, not when I knew you would always be right in the end. I can honestly say I would have rather left you to your fate than for us to trade places and for you to live in the pain and sorrow I have lived for most part of this millennium. I would gladly die for you, but if it was for you to cry and scream and claw your heart out like I do every day… indeed you were right, death would hurt much less.

The last time I made love to you, the last time I kissed you, the last time I held you, had I known it would be the last time, I would have never stopped, I would have never parted my lips from yours, and above all, I would have never let go.

**Ok, please tell me what you think, review lots and lots!!!**


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